Drifting and Bobbing ....

They say life is what happens while you are making other plans. 

All summer we schemed and talked and planned how to add more flowers to the farm. With a new greenhouse and potting shed, we would save shipping charges and be able to plant some flowers in smaller quantities. And by using cool flower planting methods, we would have more flowers earlier in the season. There would be variety. 

And then, Honey contacted pneumonia. We discovered that his lungs are weaker than we thought. There are still questions about a solid diagnosis and we are now in the hands of specialists.

All the fall plans and winter dreams went flying out the windows ... to be replaced by blood tests, scans and doctor's appointments.

He is calm, deliberate and determined to heal. 

And then there is my reaction to all of this. 

Which can only be described as "Chicken Little moves to Miss Eff's"!!!  Yikes!! 

I can tell you how I handle it .... NOT well! So not well, I ended up at Convenient Care with a panic attack. 

One Thursday morning, I felt myself fainting. Heart pounding. Dizzy. Light- headed.  I just knew it was a panic attack. 

OK ... I thought it was a panic attack. I was sure it was a panic attack. Chest pain, fainting, hyperventilating, bit of nausea . Oh yea, kind of sounds like heart attack symptoms. 

So this short, chubby 65 year old woman decided ... hmmm, I should have this checked out. So we went to have my panic attack confirmed.  Chest x-ray, EKG, blood test.

And I was diagnosed. 

According to the nurse practitioner.... You are perfect. 

I asked her to repeat it .... twice. Loudly.  I needed to make sure Honey heard her. 😊

OK ... I had a panic attack. Which is not perfect. 

My darling Honey would tell you that I am a control freak. Not that I want to control him .... or other people. But yes, I want to know "the next move".  What is next on the list ... a phone call to make, a task to do, a project to do.

And now ... I don't.  I don't know what to plan ... where to go .... what to do next.  And it is then ... the panic attacks set in.

In this season of uncertainty and fear ....  I find myself drifting and bobbing with no control of my life.

I haven't ordered a plug, a seed or a plant. There are no charts or maps or planting dates listed.  There are no visions of pretty gardens dancing through my dreams.

Maybe this week will bring answers. 

"Chicken Little" sure hopes so.


Catherine said…
Thinking of you and knowing one day at a time is easier said than done. My best advice is to make no sudden, rash decisions. You and Honey will emerge in the Spring...renewed and ready to find your new speed. Much love.
Michelle said…
Oh, my dear; your description of control freak fits me to a T. And in the last few years, most of my ability to know the next move has been erased. No panic attacks here (yet); there but by the grace of God go I. Wish I could be there to give you bear hugs, commiserate with you, pray with you. Know that I'm doing that from Oregon!
bluemom said…
Dear Chicken Little,
Just a quick note to say I believe in you and Cliff as able to get through the things life brings to your plate. That whole mixture of Joy's, challenges, abrupt changes and quiet reflective times. All I can offer is a long distance hug and prayers for healing and strength.
C Steflik said…
Just to let you know that many people are praying for Cliff and you. You are both very resilient and determined and this will all work out in the end. Maybe not exactly how you had planned but you will make adjustments and your dream will continue on. Some dreams may just be slightly delayed or altered a bit. Have faith in yourselves and faith in the Lord. Give your worries to the Lord and let him carry your burden. Peace and love, Cindy
Iowa2Texas said…
Dear CL (interesting that your choice of a character's name has the same initials as you, maiden and married). Every single thing the others have posted is true. I know we are all thinking that if we could fix things and put everything back to where you were before the illness/uncertainty hit, we would do so. You HAVE retained some control. You are breathing, you are aware, and you have not thrown in the towel (well, maybe you have in the kitchen, but that's to be expected). You are keeping on keeping on...no matter that the road has curved and is taking you through different scenery. I TRUST (personal pref-'hope' still leaves things too open for me) that the answers will be revealed soon-personally and for the political mess that is always '
there.'. Stay tough, kid - you got this. Love, Hugs, Prayers from Texas.
Gay Kirkton said…
Praying 🙏 all will be well for both of you. May God give you the peace that passes all understanding.

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