Darkness at Noon ..........

This is not a light fluffy post. 

This is not about sunshine and puppies.

This is about mental illness.

I hate that term.  It has such connotations of straight-jackets and padded cells.  But I have to admit .... I suffer from mental illness.

I have depression.

I was diagnosed in 1991 after years of suffering.  I had  canyon deep lows, but when I was feeling good (or faking it well) I was on top of the world.

Many were surprised when I was diagnosed.  I hid it well from the general public .... but my good friends knew.

I could pull myself up by the bootstraps or go outside and get the stink blown off me -- I could function.


But the darkness .... the darkness was there.

When I crashed .... I crashed hard.  Years of therapy .... Years of medication followed. 

Several years ago .... I was able to go off meds.  I held off depression by having a fantastic support system, a life that I loved, and prayer.

But lately, the dark feelings returned.  Maybe it was the long winter.  Maybe it is isolation.  Maybe it is stress.

Recently, I needed to go back on medication.

It is a struggle. 

But it is a struggle that I am determined to win.

So forgive me if I am quieter than normal ...... if  I slightly sit longer in the sun.  Or if I cut more flowers for myself.

Its time to fill my soul and to heal .....


Comments

She said…
This long winter has had the same effect on me. I usually see light at the end of the tunnel sooner, but it has hung on. I recently got a blood test and discovered by vitamin d levels were shockingly low. Taking vitamin D3 made all the difference and has been a godsend.

I have heard from others as well. It has been so unbearable that more people seem to talking about this than normally would. It's good to know that no one is alone with the depression - there is always light and people to support you until you find it again!
Barb said…
Oh Cathy,

I wish I could sit with you, enfold you in my arms and we could just sit and cry together as long as we wanted....

Then a good cup of tea in the cornzebo, looking out at your beautiful flowers, with the chooks clucking happily in the background and maybe some kittens playing at our feet. All would be right with the world for a little while.

This long, cold, dark winter/spring has been very hard on the "contentment meter". I agree with the isolation issue as well. I could very easily be a hermit but I have found, these past 6 months, that I need to be around like-minded people with whom I can just be myself. I haven't found that group yet so am trying to hold it together, waiting for spring. I am thankful that I can connect with you via the electronic age.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...sending you Light, Loving Energy and Hugs. You are a dear, dear person.......never forget that! I wish I could "beam" you over to my place for a few days. I would feed you well, let you rest and sit on the deck with these incredible healing trees that are right outside my door. There seems to be something magic in these woods but that is a story for another time.

Blessed Peace,
Barb
Ginny said…
Hugs, healing prayers all directed to a friend. Sitting in the sun is good for the body and soul. Indulge your self. ♥.
Michelle said…
Sometimes we can manage illness without drugs, and sometimes we can't. You know this is not a failure on any level, Cathy, nor a denial of God's power. You are walking through the valley, He is with you, and I pray the medication will help you on your way. ((((HUGS))))
carol said…
Thank you for sharing this. It is so important for 'the public' to see that mental illness knows no boundaries and can impact anybody during any time in their life. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and surround yourself with those that understand and love no matter what.
Dan Mays said…
Nothing like a little Bonnie Raitt (another survivor) for a case of the blues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhIXcHPF-Zo&feature=fvwrel

Dan

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